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My Girl.

Dear diary,

I’m bubbling with excitement today. My girl had a big birthday this past Wednesday. She turned 40. That is enough to be excited about. We are now in our 40’s together. I feel like I waited forever for that although it’s only been a year and a half wait. But. On a birthday on a Wednesday is just dumb. Big birthdays should be on Saturdays!

I’ve planned a big day for her today. A treasure hunt. A clue for each step of the way, having a friend show up and take her to each location. A gift of alone time with her and each friend. Coffee, lunch, a massage, back home for a bath and cocktails…..all leading up to a birthday party with her closest friends and watch the playoff game. I got to incorporate football into her birthday! Her favorite! Aren’t I the best?

She is the best. So loving and sweet to me. She deserves a day about her. She is usually the one giving and giving and giving.

I’ve waited for this girl, my entire life. I am so grateful to have her.

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Holiday Craziness

I decided this year that I’m not gonna. I’m not gonna stress. I’m not driving all over town shopping. I’m not gonna participate in the crazy.

I’m not saying I’m not celebrating. We will have the two older kids over. The youngest two are out of the country for the first time this holiday. Ok. That causes its own stress. I miss them.

A few things have fallen into place to lower the holiday stress for me. My wonderful, thoughtful fiancé hopped online early and got the majority of the gifts for the kids. She and I do not exchange gifts. Which is a gift in of itself.

Here’s the kicker. The money shot. My family disowned me early in the year because I’m gay. Who knew that would make for a much less stressful holiday? Not me!

I wondered a few days a go if I was in denial about missing my family. Uh. Nope. Memories of past holidays pulsed through me. I wasn’t out. I was hiding myself from them. It was so much harder in hindsight than I thought it was at the time.

I feel free. Free to be with the one I love. Free to be me. Free from the crazy.

Blogging, or rather Bloggers.

I started my blog as a way to express myself. Thinking I’d write about being femme and hoping other femmes would relate, butches would understand more of our complicated side of things. Not to negate anyone’s experience but only to share. To have my voice in a small corner of the internets ūüôā

What I have gained is threefold. Reading these stories of other bloggers is truly a gateway of understanding. I get to express, be heard but more importantly, I get to learn. To connect. On whatever level that resonates. Thank you. I am better for it. I revel in your stories. I appreciate so much your expression of raw truth. It is a gift.

Lesbian Relationships

Watch me as I dabble in stereotypes.

Are lesbian relationships harder than straight relationships? Sometimes it seems that way. Two women. Two monthly cycles. So many emotions.

As women, we nurture and crave to be nurtured. I know I do.

What I’m most attracted to in women is what also drives me crazy in women. I can’t connect on an emotional level with a male. I can with a woman. Emotions run deep. At times, so deep that reality is lost.

Men are simple. They are doers, not so much the feelers. They want to fix problems, emotional issues are not much different from the broken sink. They just want to find the fix. Women want to be heard, validated and feel a sense of value to their partner.

Take two women who both need to be validated. Simultaneously. This takes work on both parts. Someone has to put their feelings aside for a minute and validate the other. This gets messy when you have two very emotional women who are craving to be heard and understood.

Women tend toward dramatics when we aren’t heard. Somehow in the shadow of our subconscious we believe that we need to be jarring. Even throwing out insults or spewing venom to make an impact. It’s counterproductive. Why is it, if all we want is a loving ear, we push the one we love farther away from our need?

Power, control and the need to be right. If the argument or conversation isn’t going our way, the power struggle emerges. We want to be right, even if we know deep down that we’ve gone too far or that we are in the wrong. The need to be right is so illuminated that we are blinded by it. We completely lose sight of what we really need. To be loved and understood. It then becomes a competition. Who will win? I’ll tell you.

No one wins. We feel even more unheard, not validated and not understood. Communication in lesbian relationships is vital. True conscious communication.

When your girl is upset with you. Stop and get centered. Remember that you are talking to the one you love. Stay conscious. There is a reason behind her upset. Most often the core reason has nothing to do with you. It’s only directed at you. Taking it personal will only backfire and drive you apart.

Listen. Actively listen. Don’t make assumptions. Don’t fall back into old argument scripts. Remember those didn’t work. This takes work. Personal work. It takes a deep sense of self to not become defensive.

Do that personal work outside of your relationship. Remember that your defense doesn’t have anything to do with her. It is based on your previous experiences.

This is the ideal. It takes work but only until it becomes second nature. Believe yourself to be the partner you wish to be.

My blood boils

notborngay

I ran across this today. See the full article here. I had to go and check out this PFOX group. Parents and Friends of Ex-gays and gays. Wonderful. (read with sarcasm)  You know, what? Good for them. IF we are talking about consenting  adults. BUT we are not. This is a direct result of the bill ( HB 1135) that is about to go to the General Assembly in Virginia. To ban gay therapy on minors. This is an attempt to gain support to stop this bill. California and New Jersey have already passed such bills.

This kind of shit just stumps me. The fact that we need a bill like this. The American Psychiatric Association (APA) has already condemned such therapy, finding it abusive and stating that homosexuality is not a mental disorder. And ironically, they are headquartered in Virginia.

This gay therapy includes weekly sessions for several years. I, personally think that is overkill, can’t you just turn the impressionable in a shorter amount of time? (more sarcasm) ¬†I had to look around to see what methods are used in this therapy and didn’t have to look far. Thank you Google. Below is a quote from the conversion therapy Wiki page. (put down your gavel, don’t judge me for using Wiki, I just wanted a better understanding.)

Psychologist Douglas Haldeman writes that conversion therapy comprises efforts by mental health professionals and pastoral care providers to convert lesbians and gay men to heterosexuality by techniques including aversive treatments, such as “the application of electric shock to the hands and/or genitals,” and “nausea-inducing drugs…administered simultaneously with the presentation of homoerotic stimuli,” masturbatory reconditioning, visualization, social skills training, psychoanalytic therapy, and spiritual interventions, such as “prayer and group support and pressure”

This is not “But I’m a Cheerleader”. These kids are being abused. Emotionally, physically and sexually abused. This bill needs to pass in Virginia and every other state.

As I thought about this today, I wondered that when I was young, what would I have thought when I passed this billboard? I already thought something was wrong with me but knew my feelings were real. I think it would have scared me; I would have wondered just how messed up I really was.

I now wonder how many kids are riding past that billboard and feeling like they are messed up or how many are riding past it and the hatred they have learned for gays is being fueled?

This all makes my blood boil.

Guilt

Today I’m feeling a bit guilty. I have every day challenges of being a lesbian femme; I feel as if I am an invisible lesbian. This doesn’t compare to the challenges of those gay pioneers before me. Not to (or obviously to) mention those in other countries.

Uganda comes to mind. Today, in 2014, it is a crime punishable by life in prison or death, to be gay in Uganda. How can I be so insensitive to complain that I have to come out over and over, when there are people being beaten, imprisoned and dying across the world from me because they came out. Or, unfortunately are caught being gay. Homosexual acts. Or unfortunately, not gay and punished or killed anyway.

I do not have to fear for my life. I do not fear being beaten. I do not fear being sent to prison.

It gives me perspective. It makes me grateful. Yes, my fianc√© and I walk into a restaurant, bar or grocery store and I see the looks. We stand out. Thankfully, that doesn’t happen in our neighborhood. We’ve chosen a liberal place to live, even in the Bible Belt. Fondly known as the gayborhood. BUT. Death? Life in prison? Beaten? That isn’t even close to my realm.

Last year in 2013, India’s Supreme Court overturned a 2009 decision and criminalized homosexuality. A country I have always wanted to visit. A country I think of as having an insightful take on life. So disappointing. If you are gay, and you are charged, you look at life in prison. “Whoever voluntarily has carnal intercourse against the order of nature with any man, woman or animal, shall be punished with imprisonment for life, or with imprisonment of either description for a term which may extend to ten years, and shall also be liable to fine.”

Or animal?!? Why is beastialilty likened to homosexuality??!!?? It really is the most barbaric and archaic way of thinking. And it’s still happening.

My family disowned me. It hurt. It still hurts and I assume it will always hurt. That also happens every day in our country. I am still grateful. Marriage laws have changed. Gay marriage bans have been struck down, even in the Bible Belt. I feel guilt. My heart aches for those fighting to be themselves. Even when the price to pay is so great.

I live in a country that has a long way to go to accept and embrace love. Love in all forms. I will continue to walk proudly with my fianc√©, talk of my fianc√© to people who can’t fathom me being gay and push people to become more accustomed to seeing beautiful love in their faces, regardless of sexuality. I’ll continue to break my invisibility. I’ll continue to come out over and over. I will be grateful that I have that freedom. I will be grateful that, by showing my love for my girl, my fear is rejection not beatings, death or in imprisonment.

I don’t like lesbians

I have often said that I don’t like lesbians. Well, I am one, so that obviously can’t be true. Better statements would be……I don’t like the drama and cattiness that women seem to emit like its their job. I don’t like being judged in the lesbian community. If I walk into a lesbian bar, I am sized up. I see the myriad of opinions of me form on their faces. This first one being that I am not gay. I’m too feminine. That I don’t belong there. If these women engage in small talk with me, I know that when I mention that I have kids or that I was married it’s immediately assumed that I am not gay. Or, at best, that I am trying out being gay. That I haven’t had the challenges and struggles of these gold star lesbians. It’s quite an assumption. They do not know my story any more than I know theirs.

Collectively, as women, we need to give each other a break. Everyone has a story. Everyone is working life through their experiences and filters.

We still live in a society where being gay is constantly judged. We’ve made strides but we have a long way to go. Let’s let up a little with each other.

My Overflowing Thoughts

College- Friends- Nutella- flower prints- Harry Potter- rant posts- people bitching about their pathetic lives-LGBTQ- good music- teenage angst-tumblr- perks of being a wallflower-Books- procrastination- random obsessions- John green- song lyrics- stars- movie quotes- IB-lists- Juno- chocolate- love- poetry- magic- people who understand.

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